So it seems I'm in a waiting game, feels like yet again. Took the test and waiting for results. But I fear no matter what they are. My health problems won't be solved. I really have no clue how to react. This was another big one. And Although I feel that I have a great team to help me. I'm still left unsure about the next moment.
I went on my Facebook account, to look around. Saw so much coming from my Friends on there. This was a great support system that is not around me. But for someone I Respect in the up most of ways. They share pictures and story's and it's a great place. By the strength coming from so many Friends and Followers off Twitter and throughout each of my blogs.
I get a warmth coming when I get a message on Twitter. I meet such great people and I have met such great people. Yes at times I have had to Block a few, but I have my reasoning's for doing so. I dislike being bullied or feeling another is bullied. I block the ones I notice to dislike me for whatever reason. I block the ones that bully other followers, friends. And I will Block you if you hate, bully, badmouth ones I respect. It's no secret I hold Kim Hyun Joong in high respect's. I don't like fight in total but when I deem something, someone worth fighting for. I have no problems going for the fight. I will Block anyone that sides with (Choi Hye Mi), let me explain. I know that name doesn't seem to only belong to the Blackmailer that I am referring too. But who I am talking about is that Gold digger in a skirt that saw a big fish to take from. I have wrote about this in the past and fear it might be on going. I hate to hate anyone but I just can't help myself. With this chick, when I see her or hear anything about her. She turns the best day, into not great. So I try not to give her the time of day, realizing I have to concentrate on more important things that she will never be 'to me'.
If you are wondering more about this person/ Girl. Never will call a woman, real women don't act in her way. The actions she has shown is what I am basing my belief off, the Lying game she has been playing putting a child in the middle is another reason I can't stand still with my thoughts. I really come with no filter with her in mind. If you ask me out right what I think, how I view her and her family to be. I will not sugarcoat it for anyone. And if she is one that I speak with and sees how I hate her. Someone that she has never met and would bet never heard of. I would still hate her no matter what she would have to say. In life a human is viewed in different ways. we all have to choose what we want others to remember us as. I will forever remember her as a [Blackmailing, Gold Digger, Hell Pint on using a child for cash, Fame Hungry enough to try to ride anthers coat tails to be noticed in anyway, becoming a pone for others to play and have take the fall, as with her family planing for a big payday by doing all to another; as well as Abusing this person both in private and in public.]
That all being said, I am trying my best to only forces on the good. And the great out come I plan for myself.
As with all of you I'm sure you all have goals, dreams, plans that you all wish to take part in. I hope we all get to were we see us to be. Life would be so perfect if everyone was happy with just being happy with there lives given to them. But then again you might say that life could only become perfect if we choose to be happy. And forgo the hate in the world. We all have are lives to live, that's the point but I went all around about it.
I feel good, really great to have ones notice me and take time out to read my words. You are awesome, whomever you are!!! I have read a lot by messages with Twitter, sorry I kinda speak to people on Twitter. I have others but I do have a issue with organizing my own thoughts and often times space with things. Might call me a slacker but that wouldn't be would I am.
I was having a hard time falling asleep last night and I guess it was all nerves. The test started at about 10 and didn't last long, blood work. But I know what the test was for that got my attention. I know it's to make the patient aware but still. I am always like; Do you have to tell me what you think I have? Then comes back I don't and I worried for nothing, it's such a waist of time and energy.On my part to build up the worst case in your mind. Then it's nothing of the sort, blessing but not. You end up giving way to the negative thoughts that arise. So you end up left with, questions and questions that never seem to have been fully answered.
How am I going to get through this?
What is wrong with me that lead to this point?
Will I still be okay, even with having this?
Then once you find out for absolute. Your questions change to become more in-detailed.
What do I do now?
How can I get over this?
Is there anything, nothing I can do about this?
Where to find help to treat this?
And finely you ask, or you might already know.
Is there a Cure?
And if yes How and When and Where can you get this Cure???
It's like you wake up one day at you realize time flew by. Passing you, Leaving you in so many ways. We can't be everything all at once. We have no power to do what only God does. We are left with only the moments we are given. And in those moments it's are choice to pave the way to are wants. Desiring to be set free from limitation, I would fall in the description.
Having Besties is wonderful at times when you feel like caving. They kick you in the butt, to pull you right back up. No second thoughts come to mind. They are what they should be, Best Friends. Wanting to not let out when having a hard time. Is still a new one I'm learning. When it comes to real friends that plan to stay and not leave when the money ran out. The party's stopped and I found I had nothing more to say. Talking about the same work and party's that you spend your money on all the time. Never really getting to know the other. I guess we all might be at fault in some way. I stopped looking at the past as the end of the world for me. Yes devastating as it was to have had such a life as I have. Today I am me, and How can I say I would change me?
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Not My Day by:J. A. Burror
To put it bluntly, today was a bad day. Not my worst day I have ever had by far, but nevertheless a bad day. I wish I could go back, time rewind so I'm cozy in bed. Completely oblivious to what was going to happen today. I had a Doctors appointment like always. Every week it seems I have something. It is on going of the problem findings. But I that nothing big about this one, it was just my regular Doctor I go to. Sorry, I need to back up a bit and tell you why I needed to call him for this visit.
My legs, feet have been swelling up. So bad that I can't wear my normal size 6 jeans. Shoes don't fit, so I'm in strap on ones. All this is happening and I'm taking baby steps. Really a baby first learning to walk would be faster then I am at the moment.
Before you think it, No I Didn't Gain Weight. Although the scale states a higher number then before, But I'm happy I have one of the scales that tell. You have to put your age, height and then step on. Telling you your Body Mass Index (BMI), Water %, Body %. So I know when my water is high. I have had swelling before and it's all the same, I end up unable to move.
Doctor came in and put on his glove. Yea just that thought when I was a kid gave me the creeps. Like really why a glove, then they have to add the mask? Anyway back to the point. Pressing on my feet and up my legs. Leaving marks, should say imprints into my skin. That in its self is a warning sign. That your body is Retaining Weight, I already knew I was. Not my first time in this rodeo show. So before I took Water Pills, right. Seems like the answer, No not even close. I was so off base on this one. I almost broke into tears. Heart Problems, That's what they're are testing me for now. I can't even write it without saying it out loud, without tears forming ready to fall at anytime. Kidney Failure, That's another one. Because I drink so much and the fact of my past as a over weight child for so long, he wanted Diabetics on the testing list.
Right now I'm like this:
Putting the Ice Cream in the Pantry
Putting the Soda Cans in the Freezer
Putting the Bag of meat with my Can Goods
Putting the Cat Food in the Oven
Putting the Veggies in the trash because I mistook them for trash bags
Getting hungry and making my self a sandwich:
Coby Jack Cheese, garlic sauce with normal Ranch Dressing.
Grilled Chicken pieces and sliced red onions, more Cheese but White this time,
open face loaf of French Bread the kind they just baked in the store and you smell it so you throw it in your cart on a whim
on a cookie sheet and oven for about 10 minutes then you close the loaf and eat it
I CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING ON THIS SANDWICH, but the Garlic
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
It's like I am trying to Tease Myself ;(
Have to wait for these tests, but it's normal sometimes you get that call that says: 'We made an appointment for the Doctor to disguise the findings of your test.' When you can't go in because it's to far and you just have noway of getting there on that day. Most times I have found they won't tell you anything by phone. It's a law put in place to help protect the information of the patient they are calling. Meanwhile they can call you and you have to give your personal information by phone to them and a lot of times I get no name.
Really at first when I was always being tested for something. Blood drown all the time, it made this scary cat of needle's. Not feel the point rip into my skin. To many IV's and ER visits will do that to a person.
If I sound like I'm downing Doctors Please understand I have a lot of respect for Doctors. I'm not badmouthing anyone that hasn't done something to me or to ones I care for. I could never been the first to throw a punch but make no mistake I do fight back when it is called for. I just view some that use fighting first in a different way. It's like I can't rack my brain around it. But then again you have to walk a mile in another mans shoes to truly understand them. But how can we? We all are made beautifully different inside and outside. WOW I say that but I plan to myself change my outer. To become more pleasing to my own self. Something I have wanted and didn't realize Doctors could do what I would want to have done to me. But they do, it just has been taking me time to find out where to go and how to get there. First thing with all cosmetic surgery's you have to know your heath before hand. I'm still working on understanding mine. Tell then I will not post pictures of what I look like.
The main reason why my Doctor didn't want to give me a water pill is because he said I might have a STROKE do to it. Water Pills lower your blood presser, and mine is low. I didn't know this, but signs were pointing in different outcomes for him. So I was all ears so to speak. I'm on heave medication as it is from a Neurologists. Even if you stop a medication, your body still have the effects of that medication in you. And if you try something that would go against it then even tho you are not on it. Your body hasn't processed the full memo. That all being said I can chalk this down as a Bad Day.
My legs, feet have been swelling up. So bad that I can't wear my normal size 6 jeans. Shoes don't fit, so I'm in strap on ones. All this is happening and I'm taking baby steps. Really a baby first learning to walk would be faster then I am at the moment.
Before you think it, No I Didn't Gain Weight. Although the scale states a higher number then before, But I'm happy I have one of the scales that tell. You have to put your age, height and then step on. Telling you your Body Mass Index (BMI), Water %, Body %. So I know when my water is high. I have had swelling before and it's all the same, I end up unable to move.
Doctor came in and put on his glove. Yea just that thought when I was a kid gave me the creeps. Like really why a glove, then they have to add the mask? Anyway back to the point. Pressing on my feet and up my legs. Leaving marks, should say imprints into my skin. That in its self is a warning sign. That your body is Retaining Weight, I already knew I was. Not my first time in this rodeo show. So before I took Water Pills, right. Seems like the answer, No not even close. I was so off base on this one. I almost broke into tears. Heart Problems, That's what they're are testing me for now. I can't even write it without saying it out loud, without tears forming ready to fall at anytime. Kidney Failure, That's another one. Because I drink so much and the fact of my past as a over weight child for so long, he wanted Diabetics on the testing list.
Right now I'm like this:
Putting the Ice Cream in the Pantry
Putting the Soda Cans in the Freezer
Putting the Bag of meat with my Can Goods
Putting the Cat Food in the Oven
Putting the Veggies in the trash because I mistook them for trash bags
Getting hungry and making my self a sandwich:
Coby Jack Cheese, garlic sauce with normal Ranch Dressing.
Grilled Chicken pieces and sliced red onions, more Cheese but White this time,
open face loaf of French Bread the kind they just baked in the store and you smell it so you throw it in your cart on a whim
on a cookie sheet and oven for about 10 minutes then you close the loaf and eat it
I CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING ON THIS SANDWICH, but the Garlic
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
It's like I am trying to Tease Myself ;(
Have to wait for these tests, but it's normal sometimes you get that call that says: 'We made an appointment for the Doctor to disguise the findings of your test.' When you can't go in because it's to far and you just have noway of getting there on that day. Most times I have found they won't tell you anything by phone. It's a law put in place to help protect the information of the patient they are calling. Meanwhile they can call you and you have to give your personal information by phone to them and a lot of times I get no name.
Really at first when I was always being tested for something. Blood drown all the time, it made this scary cat of needle's. Not feel the point rip into my skin. To many IV's and ER visits will do that to a person.
If I sound like I'm downing Doctors Please understand I have a lot of respect for Doctors. I'm not badmouthing anyone that hasn't done something to me or to ones I care for. I could never been the first to throw a punch but make no mistake I do fight back when it is called for. I just view some that use fighting first in a different way. It's like I can't rack my brain around it. But then again you have to walk a mile in another mans shoes to truly understand them. But how can we? We all are made beautifully different inside and outside. WOW I say that but I plan to myself change my outer. To become more pleasing to my own self. Something I have wanted and didn't realize Doctors could do what I would want to have done to me. But they do, it just has been taking me time to find out where to go and how to get there. First thing with all cosmetic surgery's you have to know your heath before hand. I'm still working on understanding mine. Tell then I will not post pictures of what I look like.
The main reason why my Doctor didn't want to give me a water pill is because he said I might have a STROKE do to it. Water Pills lower your blood presser, and mine is low. I didn't know this, but signs were pointing in different outcomes for him. So I was all ears so to speak. I'm on heave medication as it is from a Neurologists. Even if you stop a medication, your body still have the effects of that medication in you. And if you try something that would go against it then even tho you are not on it. Your body hasn't processed the full memo. That all being said I can chalk this down as a Bad Day.
Honestly Speaking About My Feelings by:J.A. Burror
Sorry I am going to speak out right about my feelings. I don't know how to go around the bush with this. So let me dive right in. I have someone a hold so dear to my own heart and yet it's not that we are unaware of each others feelings towards the other. It's time, time plays with us it seems. There is never enough. I want to rest when they want to share. They're fast asleep when I want to spill it all out. Time different is to blame. I'm to blame. I say that because I know my faults and time I lose all the time. Not trying to sound poetic on that note but always have had issues. Shouldn't be a problem with people that love each other, but it does effect it. Recalling so much and bearing the wound that is left behind. It isn't easily done for anyone. I can't just give of myself and then take away. Once I say those words I mean those words. I never lied to others about how I really felt, if I was in love with them, nor just loved them. That's because I don't share that part of me so fast to anyone. Once someone gets in my heart, to that point. That they will always still, remain till the day comes and I'm back with knowing them like once before. Crying: That would be me most times. But I get a feeling of release. Presser coming from within when you finely are able to let out. When telling someone the truth or wanting to. But backing down because I don't know why. Scared of the out come, not sure how to deal with the full aftermath the truth can make you forced into. This I get, other hand I don't get this. It's just hard for me to understand . If you are going to say the truth. Why not just say it, what's the problem? If you are going to worry about the aftermath so much that you forget about what you have right now, in-front of you. Then why even go and say you want to do it? I know we all want and we all need. It's human, comes with it.
Being positive about the out come I in-vision for myself. Not one to blindly turn a eye on how I feel. I'm a walking, living in breathing at times full blown contradiction. I want so much:
I want to live in the country I want (no surprise it's South Korea)
I want to learn the language that is so beautiful to me and speak it daily
I want to work as a writer I'm a Lyricist it's what I love
I want to marry and have a family to call my own
I want to have so much love and happiness in my life
I want to be a good wife, good mother, good friend
I want to even be a published poetry writer
I know my list of wants aren't that great, then they are great. I use to want so much more for my career. Having to feel that I would have to make that choice family over my career. Time has made me realize that family is so important and I want my own. I didn't give up anything, nor do I view it that way. I just had my dreams and goals change with time to what they are today. To have someone call your own in your heart. Is a gift as I see and which I want to have given to me.
But in life time isn't always on are sides. We often times are not allotted the time to do all we had plan of, wished for. Trying to say you are brave when you lack it. That's me right now. No jokes here, this one is real. I can say all I want to have happen but at the end of the day. My time isn't always mine, and I am not able to keep promises once given. I hate that, it's the pits. Makes me out to be nothing more then a lair. In my book that's what I would call it. Feeling low then putting on a painted on smile to foul others. Noway, it's only to lie to myself that I'm more then what I thought I was. Trying my best at all times not to admit that I am missing out of so much life out there. Even tho I know I am, have been for sometime. Don't know if what I post ever truly gets liked but thanks in all the same. I'm just posting as I would to a friend, because I want to know or just recap and view. Learning is key, something very dear to my mindset. And I doubt that will ever change, I would hate for that to change.
Being positive about the out come I in-vision for myself. Not one to blindly turn a eye on how I feel. I'm a walking, living in breathing at times full blown contradiction. I want so much:
I want to live in the country I want (no surprise it's South Korea)
I want to learn the language that is so beautiful to me and speak it daily
I want to work as a writer I'm a Lyricist it's what I love
I want to marry and have a family to call my own
I want to have so much love and happiness in my life
I want to be a good wife, good mother, good friend
I want to even be a published poetry writer
I know my list of wants aren't that great, then they are great. I use to want so much more for my career. Having to feel that I would have to make that choice family over my career. Time has made me realize that family is so important and I want my own. I didn't give up anything, nor do I view it that way. I just had my dreams and goals change with time to what they are today. To have someone call your own in your heart. Is a gift as I see and which I want to have given to me.
But in life time isn't always on are sides. We often times are not allotted the time to do all we had plan of, wished for. Trying to say you are brave when you lack it. That's me right now. No jokes here, this one is real. I can say all I want to have happen but at the end of the day. My time isn't always mine, and I am not able to keep promises once given. I hate that, it's the pits. Makes me out to be nothing more then a lair. In my book that's what I would call it. Feeling low then putting on a painted on smile to foul others. Noway, it's only to lie to myself that I'm more then what I thought I was. Trying my best at all times not to admit that I am missing out of so much life out there. Even tho I know I am, have been for sometime. Don't know if what I post ever truly gets liked but thanks in all the same. I'm just posting as I would to a friend, because I want to know or just recap and view. Learning is key, something very dear to my mindset. And I doubt that will ever change, I would hate for that to change.
Monday, May 2, 2016
The Waiter Who Changed Me by:J.A. Burror
I know to
some falling in love at first sight is just like falling in love to
young. It doesn't happen, and thus we are fooling ourselves in believing
that emotion. I never believed in love before, real love. That was able
to happen in my life. That word was meant to always stay out of my
grasps of me obtaining that feeling. Even if I dared to feel that, to
fall hard in love. I wasn't able to fool my self in thinking/ viewing I
had a right to keep it. S when I was younger and I first met my first
love, I was over taken by feelings that I viewed to be wrong for me to
have towards another. I wanted to know another person in some many ways
that I would never speak about to anyone around me. But still this
burning in my heart just kept on and I had no choice but to talk about
it to him. I plan us to be friends nothing more. Time it's always on the
same page as you might want it to be.
I guess you might has called it, jaded. Because this changed my view points on love, family. I stopped wanting so much more, AS I started to desire to love with my whole heart another. I wanted time to have frozen back when I first met him, because then I felt nothing but happy. Such a strange feeling when you are really unused to not faking your smile and having ones seem to fall for it.
I knew I had to tell him. Lies that I was sorry for wanting to know him and that's what they are-lies.
I wanted to scream so loud to the world 'I am in love', I was in love.
so I walked in the dinning room I didn't try to look for him. Once I wanted to hide myself. Hopping he wouldn't notice I was in front of him. I took my seat as he turned as he did every time to pull out my chair and push it in when I sat down. On his face there was no smile, not even a half way as he looked at me. I felt I did something wrong, took something away from him. I just picked up my menu and I peaked at him standing and he frowned I knew he was upset with the situation we found are self's in. I gave a little smile in the hopes it would catch on. But I didn't find him there, looking around and I jumped. He was behind me, putting his arms around me, and asking me if I still liked him. I was shocked, completely dumb founded by his words. I never thought he would look to me as nothing but a silly child with a crush. But he looked at me, as more. He was knelled down beside me. Looking at me with his soft eyes and choosing his words nicely to reeled me in. I was young still and yet felt the need to know of someone else. Strange feelings come from growing into a teenager. I thought my life was set, everything was plans out for me. When I met him my heart turned from the path I was suppose to head. I knew it wasn't right but my heart kept falling and I feel in love. I didn't try to convince anyone of my love for him. I knew it wouldn't count as real coming from a teenager. We were different on so many ways. It felt he was just out of my league. He was the one that made me smile.
'Are you made at me?' he whispered and asked me. But what was I to think? All that time I believed he would be the one who was made at me. He did nothing wrong, I wanted to know him and that was my mistake. I started to shake my head with tears forming in my eyes. I took a deep breath without speaking. I knew I'd brake down in front of him if I spoke one word. Everyone was leaving the table and I waited to offer my apology. He was thoughtful and played it off as no wrong doing has been done. But I knew the truth at that time I had just been told the day before of his tears. I couldn't bare my heart brought me to such actions. To want, to feel this way, think I had the right to. He looked puzzled, his eyes looked to the left a bit. As I turned my head I found the same person that told me to Apologize. The same person that told me all of the backlash he was now under because of me. The same person that made it a point to get it threw my head that he was to good for me. That same person was now next to me, listening to every word and telling me what else to say. I was so beaten down I went along with it and I caved to them. I told him I was sorry for writing to know him without thinking about how it would effect his position. We smiled and said Bye, but I can't help but still feel that words were left unsaid. I turned to walk away as I was fighting back the tears and with it trying to remember to breathe. Not crying, Breathing, Walking they were so hard for me to do all at once. all awhile that person stayed by my side and told me not to look at him. I was told that they wanted to make sure I didn't say anything out of line. Outside the dinning room was family, it was obvious I was hurting. Soon after I could leave I left and went to my room. I cried so hard I was throwing up and gasping for air.
My friend took my hand and lead me back in a different spot. I looked at him moments after I just left myself. I saw him throwing a piece of folded paper away with a bit of force behind it. He turned and looked around and stopped at where I was. We both smiled and I was crying at that point. But still in the tear cloudy fog state my eyes were in. I saw his eyes were reddish and glossy, he just looked my way. But I couldn't take his kindness, I just ran away. In my cabin room I broke down yet again over and over. I couldn't sleep because he might have felt the same. the undying need to be friends in this life time. All I did was listen to others telling me what to do. Telling me how I destroyed this man.
Now I knew I didn't really know him, nor did he me. But we both wanted to become more then strangers. Not lovers, nothing of that sort I knew that well. But what was wrong with having us become friends? I was curtain I was given only half the truth. Even with not knowing his history I believed that he was a good person.And because of my belief in him was so over powering I chose to listen to my gut. Hard as it was I doubted the truth being told to me. To keep me safe, yes it did that. But fail for it was the cause of a pain my heart had never known prier.
Years went by and my heart and the hurt stayed in lock down. I found peace with praying for him and wishing the best for him. I no longer had the confidence to appear in his presence. I still think of him time and time again, forever I will always wish him well. I started writing on the very day I met him and it's how I show would I am. Through my writing I can become bold and state what's in my heart. Really sometimes I have no shame when I'm mad. I will forever be thankful for meeting him at that point, thankful for meeting him in my life. But that in noway means I want to devote my heart to him. For there is another, there is another that I do not know. But will capture my heart and we will be as one.
I guess you might has called it, jaded. Because this changed my view points on love, family. I stopped wanting so much more, AS I started to desire to love with my whole heart another. I wanted time to have frozen back when I first met him, because then I felt nothing but happy. Such a strange feeling when you are really unused to not faking your smile and having ones seem to fall for it.
I knew I had to tell him. Lies that I was sorry for wanting to know him and that's what they are-lies.
I wanted to scream so loud to the world 'I am in love', I was in love.
so I walked in the dinning room I didn't try to look for him. Once I wanted to hide myself. Hopping he wouldn't notice I was in front of him. I took my seat as he turned as he did every time to pull out my chair and push it in when I sat down. On his face there was no smile, not even a half way as he looked at me. I felt I did something wrong, took something away from him. I just picked up my menu and I peaked at him standing and he frowned I knew he was upset with the situation we found are self's in. I gave a little smile in the hopes it would catch on. But I didn't find him there, looking around and I jumped. He was behind me, putting his arms around me, and asking me if I still liked him. I was shocked, completely dumb founded by his words. I never thought he would look to me as nothing but a silly child with a crush. But he looked at me, as more. He was knelled down beside me. Looking at me with his soft eyes and choosing his words nicely to reeled me in. I was young still and yet felt the need to know of someone else. Strange feelings come from growing into a teenager. I thought my life was set, everything was plans out for me. When I met him my heart turned from the path I was suppose to head. I knew it wasn't right but my heart kept falling and I feel in love. I didn't try to convince anyone of my love for him. I knew it wouldn't count as real coming from a teenager. We were different on so many ways. It felt he was just out of my league. He was the one that made me smile.
'Are you made at me?' he whispered and asked me. But what was I to think? All that time I believed he would be the one who was made at me. He did nothing wrong, I wanted to know him and that was my mistake. I started to shake my head with tears forming in my eyes. I took a deep breath without speaking. I knew I'd brake down in front of him if I spoke one word. Everyone was leaving the table and I waited to offer my apology. He was thoughtful and played it off as no wrong doing has been done. But I knew the truth at that time I had just been told the day before of his tears. I couldn't bare my heart brought me to such actions. To want, to feel this way, think I had the right to. He looked puzzled, his eyes looked to the left a bit. As I turned my head I found the same person that told me to Apologize. The same person that told me all of the backlash he was now under because of me. The same person that made it a point to get it threw my head that he was to good for me. That same person was now next to me, listening to every word and telling me what else to say. I was so beaten down I went along with it and I caved to them. I told him I was sorry for writing to know him without thinking about how it would effect his position. We smiled and said Bye, but I can't help but still feel that words were left unsaid. I turned to walk away as I was fighting back the tears and with it trying to remember to breathe. Not crying, Breathing, Walking they were so hard for me to do all at once. all awhile that person stayed by my side and told me not to look at him. I was told that they wanted to make sure I didn't say anything out of line. Outside the dinning room was family, it was obvious I was hurting. Soon after I could leave I left and went to my room. I cried so hard I was throwing up and gasping for air.
My friend took my hand and lead me back in a different spot. I looked at him moments after I just left myself. I saw him throwing a piece of folded paper away with a bit of force behind it. He turned and looked around and stopped at where I was. We both smiled and I was crying at that point. But still in the tear cloudy fog state my eyes were in. I saw his eyes were reddish and glossy, he just looked my way. But I couldn't take his kindness, I just ran away. In my cabin room I broke down yet again over and over. I couldn't sleep because he might have felt the same. the undying need to be friends in this life time. All I did was listen to others telling me what to do. Telling me how I destroyed this man.
Now I knew I didn't really know him, nor did he me. But we both wanted to become more then strangers. Not lovers, nothing of that sort I knew that well. But what was wrong with having us become friends? I was curtain I was given only half the truth. Even with not knowing his history I believed that he was a good person.And because of my belief in him was so over powering I chose to listen to my gut. Hard as it was I doubted the truth being told to me. To keep me safe, yes it did that. But fail for it was the cause of a pain my heart had never known prier.
Years went by and my heart and the hurt stayed in lock down. I found peace with praying for him and wishing the best for him. I no longer had the confidence to appear in his presence. I still think of him time and time again, forever I will always wish him well. I started writing on the very day I met him and it's how I show would I am. Through my writing I can become bold and state what's in my heart. Really sometimes I have no shame when I'm mad. I will forever be thankful for meeting him at that point, thankful for meeting him in my life. But that in noway means I want to devote my heart to him. For there is another, there is another that I do not know. But will capture my heart and we will be as one.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
In A Mood Today by:J.A. Burror
I'm in a mood today, seems along time coming. A bit overdo in the judgement call of the making. But nevertheless it's happening. I'm talking about starting with Justice, for me I would call it Karma starting to give back. I know in life each has are own fights, we all have are wants, desires. It's all in each of our lives. I know other times it seemed as a person might have got the hint to grow up and act as she should. But each time I noticed she had no notion of right or wrong, no real truth of any wrongdoing done to her. Meaning because if you follow her and disagreed. Fill free to leave this space, I am writing my thoughts. Not in hurting nor in warning. But letting out what I feel that I have this need to share.
I mean no disregards of the law system in another country. But I do not, never have understood why it took so long for a Guilty to be PUNISHED. I can only go off what I have been told, what I read, what I feel, What I believe as the truth. I do not know the whole story behind this evil game that a Female (I dare never call her a woman). I have higher standers for that word then what this Female has shown to be.
I'm so happy with the news that came out and feel like eating cake. But I'll Freeze it to save because I know it's just one case. This Female has brought about so many. If you can't prove one, start another to confuse the judge. If that doesn't work prey on the public attention to pull for more time. Make false claims, following up with falsifying evidence thrown to the public as a circus of lies to be played. All in hopes of taring a mans good name down. Trying their best to also tie in others into the lies to make them more believable. But to no avail. Why because those around know of this person and her ways and know the game she's greedily playing. All the wile using a child, unborn and now born. Meanwhile there was only one child born, all other claims were fake or can't be proven by a Doctor of any kind. There was ONE Abortion but with other story's about who free with her love she was, no telling really who the Father was.
Recap if you are reading this and didn't know I will share what I have noticed about this case. There's a strong since of wrong doing. Spilling out of the mouths of the ones that started this game. I call it a game, others call it a Drama. And as such people make jokes about getting more popcorn and candy for the Drama. I can't play around with a Mans life, his family's lives, his friends lives, even his fan's lives. Human rights for each person Otto to mean something in this world without picking on someone being pushed down.
Being taught to be what you are, growing to become who you are. Aren't always the same roles we live up to in life. We all have that voice within ourselves telling us right and wrong. Now when you listen to it or not that's a different ball game. To play a money game of sorts, boiling someone like a soup. In hopes of getting the cash in the end. Lying to make you feel your greed is justified.
This list is what I remember off hand I am sorry if I forgot something this Female and her family have done. It's just so much that I hurt and really do cry when I think about the pain the Kim family has had, been and will forever have because of a selfish girl. So I tend to ramble on when I'm pissed off at someone. And for the longest time it's been her. Really doubt I'll ever change my mind on believing she ever had any good about her. She's tainted my view point of ever seeing her as a good person, or her family. I do not mean the child, because it is no fault of the child that a creature like her happens to be blood. Please feel free to comment and share anything I missed about this family's in noway legal acts. I have copied a few important notes on this case and will share the endless lies. But they're are only a few I'm highlighting that are so twisted in my mind. I'm not alone in seeing this Female for the greedy gold digger she appears to be. I have also posted some sites that do a great job in keeping up with all the news and there are so many I can't share them all. Because I do not know them all, I just know the truth is spreading like a wild fire and it's covering over the globe. He now has so many more fans then ever before, and the ones that made their choice to leave are slowly returning. Releasing the truth and the laws seem to only be on his side. By this I mean the truth of justice is making it's way thru despite the lying game for greed.
I really like this girl. she writes with facts and tells you her thoughts on what's happening.
This Female is Choi Hye Mi
I didn't find this out from a fan in South Korea, know she came out herself. Then played a hiding game where no one heard from her. Even the Judge wasn't keen on her playing around with coming out, then showing up only to try to hide. As if she was a top star, we all knew she wasn't shy when the cameras were on. Her lawyer tried to make it seem as he told everyone of her name. But her lawyer must have not be able to keep his client under control. She started coming out so long before, it's just he asked for respect for her. Not to make it knows, because he has always said that he would never come forward with a girl if he wasn't serious with her. (Wanting to still keep her name a secret meant he wasn't planning on marriage, nor wanted to taint her name in the public eye.) But she came out, and started to talk about marriage not only to his family but went to the press once again.)
Choi Hye Mi Own Mother
Made that comment about boiling him like a soup. I'll have to ask about the name, but the soup she is talking about I'm sure I won't be trying it anytime in my near lifetime. To put up that 'you have to figure out how to get the most out of him. And endure it tell the end'. That was her words to her own kid of how to use a man, for money. Great motherly advice to give her kid that got dumped and they only saw the bank account of his.
Choi Hye Mi is being charged with, rather the law is looking into her for:
Blackmail
This is some great tweets from the time line of this on going battle this female has to take a mans money.
Abuse/ Assault Don't know if this one, she is even with proof of her backing into someones house and assaulting him with her own sister. Same sister she wanted to have as a witness of him beating her 'till death, almost' the very time of her assaulting him. With camera proof of her backing the door, interning and then being pushed out as she was attacking him. She thinks she was assaulted even when he was left with a torn clothes, his blood showing, and scares left on him from the assault she commented onto him.
(But she never said anything about what she had he, Makes me wonder if her anger over being doped wasn't the only time she was violent towards another)
On this note she always brought up a name and wanted to publicly tie in a another person that he was with at this time. She was mad, I get that she cot her ex that clearly moved on, passed her ways.
Banned from leaving the Country she's in and Bank Account is Frozen As far as I know everyone I spoke to about this topic about her leaving the country. As the lies started to come out of her wrong doing. People started to fear she would leave the country, she went into a hiding mode for a time. Coming back with public interviews and flake claims once again, in hopes of confusing the truth people saw and hopes no one would care about her lies if she played up the poor victim act.
http://asianwiki.com/Kim_Hyun-Joong
Choi Hye Mi
Jul 30, 2015 ... In midst of Kim Hyun Joong's case with his former girlfriend identified as Miss Choi, past texts have been revealed through Dispatch.
But where found to be false and put out of order in such away to look poorly on him and moreover some where not ever texts to her. So Question of mine, how did she get these privet messages if they were not sent to her? he is a person known for changing her cells all the time for private reasons. I feel he will most likely have a better way to help protect him in the further from such a criminal.
While she stated with a text message and picture that 'this is your baby'. Who in their right mind would believe a person that had been trying to blackmail them about that said child. He wanted a test done as soon as there could be one. Which means the child doesn't have to be born to have a DNA test to pinpoint who the daddy is. She said no at every turn and all the help that was given she turned to the press. Telling a different story then what really was going on. She even went with him and his Mother and wouldn't let anyone in the room to see the baby picture. Why?, Because she wouldn't let her own dad in. How did she ever get to be with child to begin with, if no one really was aloud to look at at lest her stomach? When she came out, no paperwork of the right time, and get this No Name!!! If this had been my son with his ex I would know no more questions or doubts of the entrapment she was trying to pull.
Then the birth came, and she hide it from the said Father.She hind the date, didn't know the blood type of her said baby. And once more the Questions started to come out about if she did give birth. She went into hiding once again, this time a merging with a new face. A face make over was clearly done and what's more is she was trying to cash in on her fame. As a Model, but sadly for her the make over didn't stop her lying ways and didn't seem to change her own conscious.All the wile never letting him nor his family see the baby even once. I remember reading a statement from his Father that read: 'We just want to know if the child is healthy, if it's a boy or a girl'.
Choi Hye Mi
Another case was brought up, after news came that he stated publicly. 'All tho there might be a child, There will not be any getting back together'. I would say she was pissed off by that news given the fact that she liked using her so much as her meal ticket.
She stated that she wanted to raise the child alone, without any help from the him. This gained her publicly sympathy. But was short lived when she asked for him to buy her a house, because all the Blackmailing money she had got before hand from him. By Blackmailing him wasn't enough to buy a house and she wanted living money to top off. Yea, Can you say she went back on her own words.
I copied in pasted only and my notes are in different color below.
http://www.allkpop.com/article/2016/04/courts-give-ruling-on-kim-hyun-joong-and-chois-fight-over-their-child
Subsequent the plea date, both Kim Hyun Joong and Choi's sides revealed that "the paternity lawsuit will be retracted." Kim Hyun Joong's attoreny Lee Jae Man told Star News, "The paternity lawsuit [between Kim Hyun Joong and Choi] has wrapped up."
I think the Choi family here must really of hated the judge on this day
Lee elaborated, "The courts ruled that [Kim Hyun Joong and Choi] will have joint custodial rights over the child. The child's caretaker was not designated. Though the parental rights have been ruled as joint custody, there could be another lawsuit from the plaintiff's side for sole custodial rights over the child. We foresee another lawsuit related to the parental rights in the future."
Please note that the cases that he has against her, if found guilty she goes to jail/ or prison they are different
The lawsuit from Choi for alimony, parental/caretaker rights, and child support was withdrawn based on the court's stance that they could not make a ruling on the lawsuit as it was filed not in Choi's but the child's name.
Choi wanted money as she would a ex-wife, she wanted full rights and child support. Question: has she ever had a honest job in her life?
Choi's attoreny, Sun Jong Moon of Sun and Partners, reportedly stated, "The paternity lawsuit has terminated, and the rest of [the issues] will be taken care of at a later time."
I mean no disregards of the law system in another country. But I do not, never have understood why it took so long for a Guilty to be PUNISHED. I can only go off what I have been told, what I read, what I feel, What I believe as the truth. I do not know the whole story behind this evil game that a Female (I dare never call her a woman). I have higher standers for that word then what this Female has shown to be.
I'm so happy with the news that came out and feel like eating cake. But I'll Freeze it to save because I know it's just one case. This Female has brought about so many. If you can't prove one, start another to confuse the judge. If that doesn't work prey on the public attention to pull for more time. Make false claims, following up with falsifying evidence thrown to the public as a circus of lies to be played. All in hopes of taring a mans good name down. Trying their best to also tie in others into the lies to make them more believable. But to no avail. Why because those around know of this person and her ways and know the game she's greedily playing. All the wile using a child, unborn and now born. Meanwhile there was only one child born, all other claims were fake or can't be proven by a Doctor of any kind. There was ONE Abortion but with other story's about who free with her love she was, no telling really who the Father was.
Recap if you are reading this and didn't know I will share what I have noticed about this case. There's a strong since of wrong doing. Spilling out of the mouths of the ones that started this game. I call it a game, others call it a Drama. And as such people make jokes about getting more popcorn and candy for the Drama. I can't play around with a Mans life, his family's lives, his friends lives, even his fan's lives. Human rights for each person Otto to mean something in this world without picking on someone being pushed down.
Being taught to be what you are, growing to become who you are. Aren't always the same roles we live up to in life. We all have that voice within ourselves telling us right and wrong. Now when you listen to it or not that's a different ball game. To play a money game of sorts, boiling someone like a soup. In hopes of getting the cash in the end. Lying to make you feel your greed is justified.
This list is what I remember off hand I am sorry if I forgot something this Female and her family have done. It's just so much that I hurt and really do cry when I think about the pain the Kim family has had, been and will forever have because of a selfish girl. So I tend to ramble on when I'm pissed off at someone. And for the longest time it's been her. Really doubt I'll ever change my mind on believing she ever had any good about her. She's tainted my view point of ever seeing her as a good person, or her family. I do not mean the child, because it is no fault of the child that a creature like her happens to be blood. Please feel free to comment and share anything I missed about this family's in noway legal acts. I have copied a few important notes on this case and will share the endless lies. But they're are only a few I'm highlighting that are so twisted in my mind. I'm not alone in seeing this Female for the greedy gold digger she appears to be. I have also posted some sites that do a great job in keeping up with all the news and there are so many I can't share them all. Because I do not know them all, I just know the truth is spreading like a wild fire and it's covering over the globe. He now has so many more fans then ever before, and the ones that made their choice to leave are slowly returning. Releasing the truth and the laws seem to only be on his side. By this I mean the truth of justice is making it's way thru despite the lying game for greed.
LazerKim
All about Kim Hyun Joong
https://bibettesia.wordpress.com/2016/03/19/kim-hyun-joong-article-case-review/I really like this girl. she writes with facts and tells you her thoughts on what's happening.
This Female is Choi Hye Mi
I didn't find this out from a fan in South Korea, know she came out herself. Then played a hiding game where no one heard from her. Even the Judge wasn't keen on her playing around with coming out, then showing up only to try to hide. As if she was a top star, we all knew she wasn't shy when the cameras were on. Her lawyer tried to make it seem as he told everyone of her name. But her lawyer must have not be able to keep his client under control. She started coming out so long before, it's just he asked for respect for her. Not to make it knows, because he has always said that he would never come forward with a girl if he wasn't serious with her. (Wanting to still keep her name a secret meant he wasn't planning on marriage, nor wanted to taint her name in the public eye.) But she came out, and started to talk about marriage not only to his family but went to the press once again.)
Choi Hye Mi Own Mother
Made that comment about boiling him like a soup. I'll have to ask about the name, but the soup she is talking about I'm sure I won't be trying it anytime in my near lifetime. To put up that 'you have to figure out how to get the most out of him. And endure it tell the end'. That was her words to her own kid of how to use a man, for money. Great motherly advice to give her kid that got dumped and they only saw the bank account of his.
Choi Hye Mi is being charged with, rather the law is looking into her for:
Blackmail
Hyunnies Pexers's Blog
https://hyunniespexers.wordpress.com/2016/04/23/tweetbits-kim-hyun-joong-legal-case-updates-2016-04-22/This is some great tweets from the time line of this on going battle this female has to take a mans money.
Abuse/ Assault Don't know if this one, she is even with proof of her backing into someones house and assaulting him with her own sister. Same sister she wanted to have as a witness of him beating her 'till death, almost' the very time of her assaulting him. With camera proof of her backing the door, interning and then being pushed out as she was attacking him. She thinks she was assaulted even when he was left with a torn clothes, his blood showing, and scares left on him from the assault she commented onto him.
(But she never said anything about what she had he, Makes me wonder if her anger over being doped wasn't the only time she was violent towards another)
On this note she always brought up a name and wanted to publicly tie in a another person that he was with at this time. She was mad, I get that she cot her ex that clearly moved on, passed her ways.
Banned from leaving the Country she's in and Bank Account is Frozen As far as I know everyone I spoke to about this topic about her leaving the country. As the lies started to come out of her wrong doing. People started to fear she would leave the country, she went into a hiding mode for a time. Coming back with public interviews and flake claims once again, in hopes of confusing the truth people saw and hopes no one would care about her lies if she played up the poor victim act.
http://asianwiki.com/Kim_Hyun-Joong
Choi Hye Mi
Jul 30, 2015 ... In midst of Kim Hyun Joong's case with his former girlfriend identified as Miss Choi, past texts have been revealed through Dispatch.
But where found to be false and put out of order in such away to look poorly on him and moreover some where not ever texts to her. So Question of mine, how did she get these privet messages if they were not sent to her? he is a person known for changing her cells all the time for private reasons. I feel he will most likely have a better way to help protect him in the further from such a criminal.
While she stated with a text message and picture that 'this is your baby'. Who in their right mind would believe a person that had been trying to blackmail them about that said child. He wanted a test done as soon as there could be one. Which means the child doesn't have to be born to have a DNA test to pinpoint who the daddy is. She said no at every turn and all the help that was given she turned to the press. Telling a different story then what really was going on. She even went with him and his Mother and wouldn't let anyone in the room to see the baby picture. Why?, Because she wouldn't let her own dad in. How did she ever get to be with child to begin with, if no one really was aloud to look at at lest her stomach? When she came out, no paperwork of the right time, and get this No Name!!! If this had been my son with his ex I would know no more questions or doubts of the entrapment she was trying to pull.
Then the birth came, and she hide it from the said Father.She hind the date, didn't know the blood type of her said baby. And once more the Questions started to come out about if she did give birth. She went into hiding once again, this time a merging with a new face. A face make over was clearly done and what's more is she was trying to cash in on her fame. As a Model, but sadly for her the make over didn't stop her lying ways and didn't seem to change her own conscious.All the wile never letting him nor his family see the baby even once. I remember reading a statement from his Father that read: 'We just want to know if the child is healthy, if it's a boy or a girl'.
Choi Hye Mi
Another case was brought up, after news came that he stated publicly. 'All tho there might be a child, There will not be any getting back together'. I would say she was pissed off by that news given the fact that she liked using her so much as her meal ticket.
She stated that she wanted to raise the child alone, without any help from the him. This gained her publicly sympathy. But was short lived when she asked for him to buy her a house, because all the Blackmailing money she had got before hand from him. By Blackmailing him wasn't enough to buy a house and she wanted living money to top off. Yea, Can you say she went back on her own words.
I copied in pasted only and my notes are in different color below.
http://www.allkpop.com/article/2016/04/courts-give-ruling-on-kim-hyun-joong-and-chois-fight-over-their-child
Subsequent the plea date, both Kim Hyun Joong and Choi's sides revealed that "the paternity lawsuit will be retracted." Kim Hyun Joong's attoreny Lee Jae Man told Star News, "The paternity lawsuit [between Kim Hyun Joong and Choi] has wrapped up."
I think the Choi family here must really of hated the judge on this day
SEE ALSO: Kim Hyun Joong files a new complaint
Lee elaborated, "The courts ruled that [Kim Hyun Joong and Choi] will have joint custodial rights over the child. The child's caretaker was not designated. Though the parental rights have been ruled as joint custody, there could be another lawsuit from the plaintiff's side for sole custodial rights over the child. We foresee another lawsuit related to the parental rights in the future."
Please note that the cases that he has against her, if found guilty she goes to jail/ or prison they are different
The lawsuit from Choi for alimony, parental/caretaker rights, and child support was withdrawn based on the court's stance that they could not make a ruling on the lawsuit as it was filed not in Choi's but the child's name.
Choi wanted money as she would a ex-wife, she wanted full rights and child support. Question: has she ever had a honest job in her life?
Choi's attoreny, Sun Jong Moon of Sun and Partners, reportedly stated, "The paternity lawsuit has terminated, and the rest of [the issues] will be taken care of at a later time."
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Kettle Black by: J.A. Burror
I myself was the shy
good in school and I was the butt of the mean kids as well. I hated the
boy’s at my school. Because I was over weight and with that came the fat
joke’s. The guy’s at school would always tell me if I lost weight they
would date me. That was a mean joke in its self I thought. But I was
pretty to them but yet not the norm of what a guy should “go for” in
there head at that time. I can’t help would I find sexy or handsome,
neither can someone else.
I hate saying that say that look’s don’t matter at all because they do. They get that first Hi, the first date, the first everything and tell you really get to know a person.
You wouldn’t of wrote me if I was a total dog to you and I you. But what makes this different is that you and I want to get to know one another and to see if it’s meant for more then friends. We want to take it slow I guess most of the world to see us at doing that right now. Because we haven’t had sex nor made out all the time, yet.
It’s wired to me I’ve had sex with guy’s before and I’ve never been married, but was raised with the religion
telling me that no man would ever want a girl that’s already given it up. Doesn't matter if you were willing or unwilling. As tho you have nothing to give your lover, your friend, your partner in life. The mother or the Father of your children. Then nothing more then to have sex. Yes I do believe it should be with to people that love each other. I know I say that but yet have never had that myself. It’s me calling the kettle black
I hate saying that say that look’s don’t matter at all because they do. They get that first Hi, the first date, the first everything and tell you really get to know a person.
You wouldn’t of wrote me if I was a total dog to you and I you. But what makes this different is that you and I want to get to know one another and to see if it’s meant for more then friends. We want to take it slow I guess most of the world to see us at doing that right now. Because we haven’t had sex nor made out all the time, yet.
It’s wired to me I’ve had sex with guy’s before and I’ve never been married, but was raised with the religion
telling me that no man would ever want a girl that’s already given it up. Doesn't matter if you were willing or unwilling. As tho you have nothing to give your lover, your friend, your partner in life. The mother or the Father of your children. Then nothing more then to have sex. Yes I do believe it should be with to people that love each other. I know I say that but yet have never had that myself. It’s me calling the kettle black
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Medical sic hospital by: J.A. Burror
I always felt different
and didn't know why. You see I always felt that I was the outcast,
nobody saw. I was 11 years old, yes when my feelings were becoming
uncontrollable for me to happen. When I was 17 I was put in a Hospital
to seek help. my mind was so twisted that in my head I thought I
deserved it-all. I became crazy over killing myself . Why?, I really
never dealt with stress/ pain for well growing up. Because of this I
learned to put the wrong tools to lean on at use, when I needed a
release.
(Please know this is me writing of how I felt looking back, not how I feel to who I am today)
It’s a game like ‘Life-Monopoly’ you chose, to never end the-bade ling with are self’s, is it wrong to ask who will win? With those odds it’s pretty good you would think a real no brainier. But with one chance to be happy, you lose-you lose your life. What’s the point to only live your life halfway, to never truly know or feel loved. What it’s like to be in love and live your dream. How about to feel your heart ripped out, and give up every time you might get there-make it out in the world. I always looked forward to death as a thank you gift. My way to thank everyone around me was not to have them put up with me no longer. I thought in my head, I mean I really believed there was no way out but to take my own life.
Never mind the faith tells you if you commit suicide you’ll never live again. In heaven, on a paradise on earth, no you get nothing but the endless touchier from living in your own skin. Death was always a place to be, a peaceful new world. I just had to visit one day. A place to leave all your problems be hide and no one tries to hurt you any longer. To grow be on all the hater’s of this earth could have, for a deep sleep of heavenly dreams. Still I can't help but realize how selfish I was to try to leave before my time.
Welcoming death can become a drug, it is inviting the idea of it is perfect. Why are so many terrified to close one chapter and open everyone’s destiny? I tried to kill myself with a boodle of Pill’s. I wanted peace, the pain within to somehow lessen. I cried a lot for reasons that were unknown to me tell now. You see I had so much pain inside that I didn’t want anyone to see let alone know about, it was my life. It happened to me not anyone but. I thought by holding everything inside that somehow I was saving myself more pain. That only if people knew-my family knew, that nobody would look at me same. I couldn’t be myself anymore, not realizing at that time I didn’t fully know who I was. Only what I so wanted to be and couldn’t. Nothing was worth it at this point in my life; I saw no reason to try for anything. Being happy or doing something, having something just because I dreamed for the longest time. It wasn’t my life it was untouchable to dream for better, anything different wasn’t my destiny just a nice fancy when your asleep. I mean I never really saw a real reason to live-there was no happily ever; no crystal ball that says life will get better.
I tried to talk about it, unaware I had been leaving sign’s all threw my life time. Saying out loud and screaming, for someone to hear me. Stop what I yet couldn’t bring myself to speak of. Only dreaming of a different life and everything with it. I was a unhappy child sparked by a family secret. Wanting a different family wasn’t me really wanting one. But only I had come with terms of the one I had, understood reason’s that gave me more questions than answers. Family is family, we all know what a family is supposed to be and act like. Not all of us get that, I have a great family a hand full I share DNA with and a great number I don’t. But none of us will say we are not family. I know a lot of people find help and strength with talking over there problems on a couch. But I don’t because every time I had in the past, I always got unpleasant news. I was put in a medical sic hospital when I was 17, a month from 18 years old. I was there for 9 days only but they tried to keep me longer. My health insurance at the time wouldn’t cover it any longer.
I remember the day before I went to the hospital; I was over at my friend Stacey’s house as I did every week almost. We worked for her Mother-cleaning apartments, but never got anything for doing he work. I was outside cleaning up a mess; someone had broken the plastic glass on a fire extinguisher box. I started to pick it all up and something came over me, not like I even thought about want I was doing. I just started to work a peace back and forth tell I saw real blood. You would think that would of stopped me but I kept doing it, trying to feel anything. It was as if my heart was cold because I was numb to the pain. Stacey saw my wrists and told me if I didn’t tell my parents she would. So I told them, wasn’t a big deal they knew I started trying when I was 11year’s old to kill myself. It was a family secret no one talked about. I went home with them that day and I was told the famous words “nobody has to know about this”. I called someone into my bedroom that night to talk to him; I was tired of feeling lost-not being able to find my shadow. He tried to say that we could talk the next day, but I didn’t know if I would have the guts to tell him anything the next day. I told him I didn’t want to be in the same religion as they were, that I wasn’t happy. I was told “Monday morning we’ll get you some help”.
Now see it from my view for a moment. I would over dose on anything I got my hands on starting at 11years old and through the middle of my 18th year. I always got told: “you didn’t do it right”, “better try harder next time”, “do you really hate us that much”. Now on the chance you’re reading this and know someone in the situation I was in. Don’t make them feel like they have to try harder because you really don’t care. It makes the suicidal person aim higher, meaning more pills-other ways of killing themselves. Because in their mind why live in a world that hates you. And to finely get help, it was without cause in my book. Because if I really needed help wouldn’t I of had it by now, I thought. But at that state of mind your mind will play tricks on you, make believe the wrong thighs right.
After a few days in the mental hospital having a sociological report example wrote down, I had had 2 mental brake down’s and by the way I was going I was going for my third. He told me I was addicted to committing suicide and that by the end of the week I was going to go home for the day only. Just to see if I could handle the in varmint I was living in. the moment I came in to the house I went to the bathroom to see if there were any pills, I could take. I was out of control when it came down to day to day living. I do believe my story’s have as much as most, not as much as some, and very few don’t have anything they can relate to with most of these story’s of the life I’ve had thus this far. I went back after I believe it was only about 3 to 5 hours I was outside the Sic Ward. When I got back I had talks with the group, Dr the next morning when I got up I was told by the Dr he wanted to put me in a foster home for a while. Mind you, I’m still not even a month from being 18 years old at this point. I knew if I was to go I’d have no place to live in a short time. I begged him to let me stay with my family, but I knew in the end he had the choice not me. On the last day, I heard the doctor tell my Father I still needed help to deal with my problems I had and that it wasn’t by choice I was leaving them. I saw a doctor on the outside and they both seemed the same not really asking but telling what I have or have had. As if, they know my heart and head as if it were there’s. I saw no brake threw if that’s what they wanted me to have, they failed. I did however get a lot of pills, funny your “addicted to killing yourself” so why not give that person stronger drug’s to do it. There is no logic in doping me up to fit some norm I’m supposed to be. I understand the whole it’s bad to kill yourself in part, but I don’t get why it’s perfectly alright to live a lie. Someone else dream of who you should be, or to never try to better yourself is out of my reason to understand. I finely stopped trying to end it all, not because the pills worked or the doctor was so great. The hospital didn’t scare me; I really wish it would of. I wasted a lot of time on my addiction. Yes, I do call it an Addiction; I got to the point I had to try to kill myself no less than 3 times a week. It was controlling my-everything; my world went around the next than to try. Horror movies were great; they give you so many ideals. I was in the late part of my 18th year when I realized if it hasn’t happen, yet-it wouldn’t happen by my hands.That is what started to change my thinking of suicide and with it came the start of a reason I found to go on.
(Please know this is me writing of how I felt looking back, not how I feel to who I am today)
It’s a game like ‘Life-Monopoly’ you chose, to never end the-bade ling with are self’s, is it wrong to ask who will win? With those odds it’s pretty good you would think a real no brainier. But with one chance to be happy, you lose-you lose your life. What’s the point to only live your life halfway, to never truly know or feel loved. What it’s like to be in love and live your dream. How about to feel your heart ripped out, and give up every time you might get there-make it out in the world. I always looked forward to death as a thank you gift. My way to thank everyone around me was not to have them put up with me no longer. I thought in my head, I mean I really believed there was no way out but to take my own life.
Never mind the faith tells you if you commit suicide you’ll never live again. In heaven, on a paradise on earth, no you get nothing but the endless touchier from living in your own skin. Death was always a place to be, a peaceful new world. I just had to visit one day. A place to leave all your problems be hide and no one tries to hurt you any longer. To grow be on all the hater’s of this earth could have, for a deep sleep of heavenly dreams. Still I can't help but realize how selfish I was to try to leave before my time.
Welcoming death can become a drug, it is inviting the idea of it is perfect. Why are so many terrified to close one chapter and open everyone’s destiny? I tried to kill myself with a boodle of Pill’s. I wanted peace, the pain within to somehow lessen. I cried a lot for reasons that were unknown to me tell now. You see I had so much pain inside that I didn’t want anyone to see let alone know about, it was my life. It happened to me not anyone but. I thought by holding everything inside that somehow I was saving myself more pain. That only if people knew-my family knew, that nobody would look at me same. I couldn’t be myself anymore, not realizing at that time I didn’t fully know who I was. Only what I so wanted to be and couldn’t. Nothing was worth it at this point in my life; I saw no reason to try for anything. Being happy or doing something, having something just because I dreamed for the longest time. It wasn’t my life it was untouchable to dream for better, anything different wasn’t my destiny just a nice fancy when your asleep. I mean I never really saw a real reason to live-there was no happily ever; no crystal ball that says life will get better.
I tried to talk about it, unaware I had been leaving sign’s all threw my life time. Saying out loud and screaming, for someone to hear me. Stop what I yet couldn’t bring myself to speak of. Only dreaming of a different life and everything with it. I was a unhappy child sparked by a family secret. Wanting a different family wasn’t me really wanting one. But only I had come with terms of the one I had, understood reason’s that gave me more questions than answers. Family is family, we all know what a family is supposed to be and act like. Not all of us get that, I have a great family a hand full I share DNA with and a great number I don’t. But none of us will say we are not family. I know a lot of people find help and strength with talking over there problems on a couch. But I don’t because every time I had in the past, I always got unpleasant news. I was put in a medical sic hospital when I was 17, a month from 18 years old. I was there for 9 days only but they tried to keep me longer. My health insurance at the time wouldn’t cover it any longer.
I remember the day before I went to the hospital; I was over at my friend Stacey’s house as I did every week almost. We worked for her Mother-cleaning apartments, but never got anything for doing he work. I was outside cleaning up a mess; someone had broken the plastic glass on a fire extinguisher box. I started to pick it all up and something came over me, not like I even thought about want I was doing. I just started to work a peace back and forth tell I saw real blood. You would think that would of stopped me but I kept doing it, trying to feel anything. It was as if my heart was cold because I was numb to the pain. Stacey saw my wrists and told me if I didn’t tell my parents she would. So I told them, wasn’t a big deal they knew I started trying when I was 11year’s old to kill myself. It was a family secret no one talked about. I went home with them that day and I was told the famous words “nobody has to know about this”. I called someone into my bedroom that night to talk to him; I was tired of feeling lost-not being able to find my shadow. He tried to say that we could talk the next day, but I didn’t know if I would have the guts to tell him anything the next day. I told him I didn’t want to be in the same religion as they were, that I wasn’t happy. I was told “Monday morning we’ll get you some help”.
Now see it from my view for a moment. I would over dose on anything I got my hands on starting at 11years old and through the middle of my 18th year. I always got told: “you didn’t do it right”, “better try harder next time”, “do you really hate us that much”. Now on the chance you’re reading this and know someone in the situation I was in. Don’t make them feel like they have to try harder because you really don’t care. It makes the suicidal person aim higher, meaning more pills-other ways of killing themselves. Because in their mind why live in a world that hates you. And to finely get help, it was without cause in my book. Because if I really needed help wouldn’t I of had it by now, I thought. But at that state of mind your mind will play tricks on you, make believe the wrong thighs right.
After a few days in the mental hospital having a sociological report example wrote down, I had had 2 mental brake down’s and by the way I was going I was going for my third. He told me I was addicted to committing suicide and that by the end of the week I was going to go home for the day only. Just to see if I could handle the in varmint I was living in. the moment I came in to the house I went to the bathroom to see if there were any pills, I could take. I was out of control when it came down to day to day living. I do believe my story’s have as much as most, not as much as some, and very few don’t have anything they can relate to with most of these story’s of the life I’ve had thus this far. I went back after I believe it was only about 3 to 5 hours I was outside the Sic Ward. When I got back I had talks with the group, Dr the next morning when I got up I was told by the Dr he wanted to put me in a foster home for a while. Mind you, I’m still not even a month from being 18 years old at this point. I knew if I was to go I’d have no place to live in a short time. I begged him to let me stay with my family, but I knew in the end he had the choice not me. On the last day, I heard the doctor tell my Father I still needed help to deal with my problems I had and that it wasn’t by choice I was leaving them. I saw a doctor on the outside and they both seemed the same not really asking but telling what I have or have had. As if, they know my heart and head as if it were there’s. I saw no brake threw if that’s what they wanted me to have, they failed. I did however get a lot of pills, funny your “addicted to killing yourself” so why not give that person stronger drug’s to do it. There is no logic in doping me up to fit some norm I’m supposed to be. I understand the whole it’s bad to kill yourself in part, but I don’t get why it’s perfectly alright to live a lie. Someone else dream of who you should be, or to never try to better yourself is out of my reason to understand. I finely stopped trying to end it all, not because the pills worked or the doctor was so great. The hospital didn’t scare me; I really wish it would of. I wasted a lot of time on my addiction. Yes, I do call it an Addiction; I got to the point I had to try to kill myself no less than 3 times a week. It was controlling my-everything; my world went around the next than to try. Horror movies were great; they give you so many ideals. I was in the late part of my 18th year when I realized if it hasn’t happen, yet-it wouldn’t happen by my hands.That is what started to change my thinking of suicide and with it came the start of a reason I found to go on.
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