Moving to Arizona by:J.A. Burror

When I left California to move to Arizona, a place I swore I would never return. Let me clarify what I had just said. I grew up in Arizona, so heat I know about hot weather. But mostly what I'm talking about is the life changing, forever tarnishing a child to grow up different. I was born a girl, so get that out of your head and please stay on point with me here. It's not easy for me to talk about my childhood. I hated it, feeling unsafe, knowing you have no right or power to fight back. I was a child and yes I mean, if we are on the same wave link at this moment. You would be dead on, I was Molested by someone. Close to the family, I use to call him a Uncle even. But all those memories I closed off in my mind. Didn't want to, but can't remember from the time I was of certain age and before. I blocked everything out, with the bad as well the good. So on a trip back to Arizona one year I slept over at what I thought was family and a new found husband, but was a first love for her. He made a pass at me, I was told I was lying about the sex advances. But when a grown man "suppose to be a man" sits next to what is their Niece and puts his hand on her boob and asks if they want to have sex. I call that a sex advance on a 15 year old girl.

After awhile of him drinking and me on the move to get away from him. He got tried of the game we were playing and left to sleep next to his wife at that time. What gets me still is, How could she not hear what was happening? Was she death or he all her medication really put her out like he said. Or did she not even care because her first husband was a piece of work himself with a line of victims. The next morning I packed up and as if she was ready for me to leave at once. She came out and said to put my stuff in the car we are going and her husband wasn't going to be around for awhile. I went back early and when I got in my Grandparents house I went to were my brother was and started to cry to him. I told him not to tell anyone because I felt I did something wrong. I now know I did nothing, but still parts of the family did treat me as a liar and are close family got divided. My brother rushed out of the room, unable to hold it in of his anger. He told my mom and she told my dad which we left back home every soon after. No charges were put up against him, because my aunts first husband was the one that molested me and now her second husband. I knew no matter what are close family wasn't going to last. My grandparents were even in his spell and saw only a child that was lying even with being raised around them. They knew I was raised to tell the truth and knew I didn't lie like that ever in my hole life. But children I guess are different then grandchildren in the order of things. See my family all the family, weekly and yet they fully discounted my truth for lies coming from someone that only just interned their lives. And There were calls after that but everyone was the same, they wanted me to admit to lying around the truth.  I get she wanted her second husband to be some great guy, even with his shady past. She wanted, needed to believe he was better then her first husband ever was.
I remembered my childhood, overwhelmed by everything. I couldn't sleep, couldn't move that night, I was shaking because of the shock on my heart.

When we got back to California it was found out that I wasn't alone in my trauma as a child. We started to learn more about what had been going on as I grew up. I for one thought my childhood was normal at that time. As most children do that are hurt in abusive ways. Given the fact that a Abuser is part of the family or said to be part of the family. Can leave the victims unwilling to share their story's. Giving the Abuser full right in their minds to keep up with what they were doing or planning on doing to their victims. I never spoke to my aunt again after that, after I heard he was dead then I said hi. But I couldn't being myself to say anything to her before. I wasn't sorry, I never told her I was sorry for her loss. I never and will never lie about that truth that happened. But I let the anger I had towards her about her second husband go. Because my family was now all talking again after his passing. I never wished him dead, I just wanting him to grow up. To be a better as a person, I thought I might of wanted to much. But that is just me thinking. So when my Grandparents came to visit and I spoke to her it was along talk, good talk. A talk nothing about her past loves and like what we use to as I grew up. She was the aunt I did things with and she always took me around in her car and I slept over at her house all the time.

At that time I knew I needed a change for everything. Nothing was working out for me. Not life of my family. Only just I have a hard time explaining it in words is all. I was in the same rut and nothing seemed to be getting better. I had all these thane’s I wanted to magically happen to me, without the work of doing anything. I always knew where I was meant to be and yet the life I’ve had up in tell in my 30’s, I haven’t had anything how I wished for. As a child dreaming, I wanted love-that’s a given. I wanted, but more than that felt I had to be a singer. There was never anything else I could do. All my day dream’s never failed to capture my imagination, doing different things in my career. One than always remained, I was always the singer, on stage in every one of my fancy’s. I went to Arizona with my grandparents. my aunt asked me to stay with her for a few weeks. After all the time I said yes, I was happy to put the past in the past and I wanted it to stay there. But as I saw the house, first walked threw the doors. I remembers everything again. I just had to deal with it and knew it well enough to keep my mouth shut about anything of the nature. That I was in a state were I only had ones that would take me as a liar over anything. That is how I saw it, from different works from that time and in the next months after. It was still try, they really thought so little of me. In my state of feelings I was a good target to catch and pull in, to try to mold in anyway. I didn't notice what was starting to happen. I started to meet with people I was brought up to and they would all tell me different things. I remember being told I would end up getting killed if I ever moved back in with my parents. I recall being told to be a sex slave, down the street. I had a lot of different things that never added up to her caring about me or my safety.

I first moved off of a rash choice and that it was, I had good times. I started to go places I wouldn't never wanted to. At the beginning it was okay, because I was looking to meet with people and make friends. But then it was a habit I hated to be apart of. I went with someone so I was never alone. But yet I hated the way it seemed as I was being treated. Going to a place only because you are told and pushed to go, that you dislike. Made me feel worthless, a pone and nothing more to this person I was always having to go with. This control they seem to have over me, didn't stop there. I had a job and they were fully aware of my income, even my bank. When I didn't tell of my hours, They knew where to track me down to see me. My work there was a friend that kept my work schedule no secret. I started having problems at work, not doing my job but I 'm not use to people just showing up out of the blue to see you and leave. I started to hide my true feelings from them because I felt they would be used to only hurt me and the ones I love. I started to cry and inverted within myself. I acted the part as I was told as normal that it all was good, and that we were cool. But truth, you can't hide the pain you feel from the lying to yourself. This person knew every minute where I was and it was unnerving for me. My income, what I gave them for rent wasn't enough. It was never enough, but always had to be in cash. But if not, they would have to own up to renting to me. I started looking for another place but money was tight. I could only move with help if I got it from my family from another state to send. Because the paychecks I got always got spent and I was tired of it. Turned out it was cheaper to live in another place closer to my work and I had a few co-worker that knew of my problems I was having so they were willing to move in with me.

I wanted to follow my dreams. viewing this move as just a start to me being fully on my own. And working at my desire, which was at that time to be a Country Singer. I wrote mostly a country style, but over the years the music within me have changed. As well as the country music I once remembered hearing on the radio. It isn't the same, how could it be? We all change, why not the music that is being made as well? I stopped wanting to be a country singer but still love to sing. That few weeks turned in to a mind control, growth process. I went through, all the emotion pain, I wouldn't change. My Grandpa died when I was there. The was that I saw every week and slept over there house all the time. As a child passed away and I loved my time with him, nothing would have stopped me from going through that pain. If I knew that is what I had to in order to see him again.

But I really did find out a lot about how different people that I seem to have always worn rose colored glasses with. I saw them for who they really were, had become to me. Disheartening by it all. Not wanting to give up once I made that choice to stay. Feeling I made a mistake and unwilling to opt to it. Knowing that there would be some that would remind me and not let it go. I viewed the moving was a test for me, in forgiveness. What did I have to forgive, and Who am I meaning? I know now I was wrong for so long, I believed everyone can change. But some just don't want to change for themselves. And in those cases I can't help them. I stayed for some time after my grandpa's passing. Something I felt I needed to do, I don't know if I helped. But all the problems just got worse and moreover I had little money to meet with the demand. I called my mom in tears and was going to ask for money to help me move away. But she wanted me to move back, I just said yes without a second thought.

I went through everything I owned and cut down everything. I was told I was stupid and that the child I grew to love so dear was told in front of me that 'she doesn't love you, or she wouldn't leave you'. I stayed with my brother for a time, because my grandma was going through a lot of pain. And the family was back to not speaking to everyone. Felt it was my fault, but I knew better this time around dealing with her.I first started doubting my choice to move in with my aunt but she spoke of her first husband. Very highly a bit and then downed him all in the same breath in seemed. 'I remember the girls leaving where he was all were crying' This is what she said to me, I wanted to jump out of that car and run away from her. She just told me she knew. Something was amiss on him, but yet never once thought about family. I was support to be blood but that day I doubt we ever were real. That she ever cared even slightly for me in her heart. She knew what I was going through and didn't say anything, didn't do anything. But choose to blame me at every turn. I started to hate her so much as time went by it only grow and I knew I needed to get out. Or the vision of my death her friend saw of me would be right, but it would be if I stayed.