Sorry I am going to speak out right about my feelings. I don't know how to go around the bush with this. So let me dive right in. I have someone a hold so dear to my own heart and yet it's not that we are unaware of each others feelings towards the other. It's time, time plays with us it seems. There is never enough. I want to rest when they want to share. They're fast asleep when I want to spill it all out. Time different is to blame. I'm to blame. I say that because I know my faults and time I lose all the time. Not trying to sound poetic on that note but always have had issues. Shouldn't be a problem with people that love each other, but it does effect it. Recalling so much and bearing the wound that is left behind. It isn't easily done for anyone. I can't just give of myself and then take away. Once I say those words I mean those words. I never lied to others about how I really felt, if I was in love with them, nor just loved them. That's because I don't share that part of me so fast to anyone. Once someone gets in my heart, to that point. That they will always still, remain till the day comes and I'm back with knowing them like once before. Crying: That would be me most times. But I get a feeling of release. Presser coming from within when you finely are able to let out. When telling someone the truth or wanting to. But backing down because I don't know why. Scared of the out come, not sure how to deal with the full aftermath the truth can make you forced into. This I get, other hand I don't get this. It's just hard for me to understand . If you are going to say the truth. Why not just say it, what's the problem? If you are going to worry about the aftermath so much that you forget about what you have right now, in-front of you. Then why even go and say you want to do it? I know we all want and we all need. It's human, comes with it.
Being positive about the out come I in-vision for myself. Not one to blindly turn a eye on how I feel. I'm a walking, living in breathing at times full blown contradiction. I want so much:
I want to live in the country I want (no surprise it's South Korea)
I want to learn the language that is so beautiful to me and speak it daily
I want to work as a writer I'm a Lyricist it's what I love
I want to marry and have a family to call my own
I want to have so much love and happiness in my life
I want to be a good wife, good mother, good friend
I want to even be a published poetry writer
I know my list of wants aren't that great, then they are great. I use to want so much more for my career. Having to feel that I would have to make that choice family over my career. Time has made me realize that family is so important and I want my own. I didn't give up anything, nor do I view it that way. I just had my dreams and goals change with time to what they are today. To have someone call your own in your heart. Is a gift as I see and which I want to have given to me.
But in life time isn't always on are sides. We often times are not allotted the time to do all we had plan of, wished for. Trying to say you are brave when you lack it. That's me right now. No jokes here, this one is real. I can say all I want to have happen but at the end of the day. My time isn't always mine, and I am not able to keep promises once given. I hate that, it's the pits. Makes me out to be nothing more then a lair. In my book that's what I would call it. Feeling low then putting on a painted on smile to foul others. Noway, it's only to lie to myself that I'm more then what I thought I was. Trying my best at all times not to admit that I am missing out of so much life out there. Even tho I know I am, have been for sometime. Don't know if what I post ever truly gets liked but thanks in all the same. I'm just posting as I would to a friend, because I want to know or just recap and view. Learning is key, something very dear to my mindset. And I doubt that will ever change, I would hate for that to change.
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