I know to
some falling in love at first sight is just like falling in love to
young. It doesn't happen, and thus we are fooling ourselves in believing
that emotion. I never believed in love before, real love. That was able
to happen in my life. That word was meant to always stay out of my
grasps of me obtaining that feeling. Even if I dared to feel that, to
fall hard in love. I wasn't able to fool my self in thinking/ viewing I
had a right to keep it. S when I was younger and I first met my first
love, I was over taken by feelings that I viewed to be wrong for me to
have towards another. I wanted to know another person in some many ways
that I would never speak about to anyone around me. But still this
burning in my heart just kept on and I had no choice but to talk about
it to him. I plan us to be friends nothing more. Time it's always on the
same page as you might want it to be.
I guess you
might has called it, jaded. Because this changed my view points on love,
family. I stopped wanting so much more, AS I started to desire to love
with my whole heart another. I wanted time to have frozen back when I
first met him, because then I felt nothing but happy. Such a strange
feeling when you are really unused to not faking your smile and having
ones seem to fall for it.
I knew I had to tell him. Lies that I was sorry for wanting to know him and that's what they are-lies.
I wanted to scream so loud to the world 'I am in love', I was in love.
so
I walked in the dinning room I didn't try to look for him. Once I
wanted to hide myself. Hopping he wouldn't notice I was in front of him.
I took my seat as he turned as he did every time to pull out my chair
and push it in when I sat down. On his face there was no smile, not even
a half way as he looked at me. I felt I did something wrong, took
something away from him. I just picked up my menu and I peaked at him
standing and he frowned I knew he was upset with the situation we found
are self's in. I gave a little smile in the hopes it would catch on. But
I didn't find him there, looking around and I jumped. He was behind me,
putting his arms around me, and asking me if I still liked him. I was
shocked, completely dumb founded by his words. I never thought he would
look to me as nothing but a silly child with a crush. But he looked at
me, as more. He was knelled down beside me. Looking at me with his soft
eyes and choosing his words nicely to reeled me in. I was young still
and yet felt the need to know of someone else. Strange feelings come
from growing into a teenager. I thought my life was set, everything was
plans out for me. When I met him my heart turned from the path I was
suppose to head. I knew it wasn't right but my heart kept falling and I
feel in love. I didn't try to convince anyone of my love for him. I knew
it wouldn't count as real coming from a teenager. We were different on
so many ways. It felt he was just out of my league. He was the one that
made me smile.
'Are you made at me?' he whispered and
asked me. But what was I to think? All that time I believed he would be
the one who was made at me. He did nothing wrong, I wanted to know him
and that was my mistake. I started to shake my head with tears forming
in my eyes. I took a deep breath without speaking. I knew I'd brake down
in front of him if I spoke one word. Everyone was leaving the table and
I waited to offer my apology. He was thoughtful and played it off as no
wrong doing has been done. But I knew the truth at that time I had just
been told the day before of his tears. I couldn't bare my heart brought
me to such actions. To want, to feel this way, think I had the right
to. He looked puzzled, his eyes looked to the left a bit. As I turned my
head I found the same person that told me to Apologize. The same person
that told me all of the backlash he was now under because of me. The
same person that made it a point to get it threw my head that he was to
good for me. That same person was now next to me, listening to every
word and telling me what else to say. I was so beaten down I went along
with it and I caved to them. I told him I was sorry for writing to know
him without thinking about how it would effect his position. We smiled
and said Bye, but I can't help but still feel that words were left
unsaid. I turned to walk away as I was fighting back the tears and with
it trying to remember to breathe. Not crying, Breathing, Walking they
were so hard for me to do all at once. all awhile that person stayed by
my side and told me not to look at him. I was told that they wanted to
make sure I didn't say anything out of line. Outside the dinning room
was family, it was obvious I was hurting. Soon after I could leave I
left and went to my room. I cried so hard I was throwing up and gasping
for air.
My friend took my hand and lead me back in a
different spot. I looked at him moments after I just left myself. I saw
him throwing a piece of folded paper away with a bit of force behind it.
He turned and looked around and stopped at where I was. We both smiled
and I was crying at that point. But still in the tear cloudy fog state
my eyes were in. I saw his eyes were reddish and glossy, he just looked
my way. But I couldn't take his kindness, I just ran away. In my cabin
room I broke down yet again over and over. I couldn't sleep because he
might have felt the same. the undying need to be friends in this life
time. All I did was listen to others telling me what to do. Telling me
how I destroyed this man.
Now I knew I didn't really
know him, nor did he me. But we both wanted to become more then
strangers. Not lovers, nothing of that sort I knew that well. But what
was wrong with having us become friends? I was curtain I was given only
half the truth. Even with not knowing his history I believed that he was
a good person.And because of my belief in him was so over powering I
chose to listen to my gut. Hard as it was I doubted the truth being told
to me. To keep me safe, yes it did that. But fail for it was the cause
of a pain my heart had never known prier.
Years went by
and my heart and the hurt stayed in lock down. I found peace with
praying for him and wishing the best for him. I no longer had the
confidence to appear in his presence. I still think of him time and time
again, forever I will always wish him well. I started writing on the
very day I met him and it's how I show would I am. Through my writing I
can become bold and state what's in my heart. Really sometimes I have no
shame when I'm mad. I will forever be thankful for meeting him at that
point, thankful for meeting him in my life. But that in noway means I
want to devote my heart to him. For there is another, there is another
that I do not know. But will capture my heart and we will be as one.
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